‘Fifty Shades Freed’ Review: Absolutely terrible in the best way possible (SPOILERS)
(WARNING: This review of Fifty Shades Freed contains spoilers)
You might not know this about me, but I watch The Bachelor. Now you may be thinking, “what is a respectable reviewer with impeccable taste in both film and television doing watching The Bachelor?” Many may think it’s demeaning to women. Many may think that it gross to watch a guy make out with several women a night. Many may find it completely unrealistic courtship, with dates in exotic lands, helicopter rides, yacht excursions, extravagant shopping sprees, all of which are supposed to culminate in a proposal at the end of a scant six week dating period. I’ll be the first to admit that anybody who thinks any of the above is completely right….unless you tweak your expectations and your attitude accordingly.
You see, if you pull yourself back, and start to think of The Bachelor as a raucous comedy that you can watch and confirm that you are nowhere NEAR as desperate for coupledom as these people are, then it’s incredibly entertaining and fucking hilarious. And I don’t buy the whole “demeaning to women” argument because these women know exactly what they’re getting themselves into (it’s in its 22nd season, for crying out loud). They are willing participants in this preposterous circus, so I have no problem tuning in every Monday night to see the trainwreck take place. So in short, if I adjust my attitude and my thinking before I watch it – basically, to thinking it’s a side-splitting comedy – then I’m gonna have a great time. And this, my friends, is what I highly recommend you do before going to see Fifty Shades Freed. Because if you go into it thinking this is serious cinema, then you, like Anastasia Steele, may need a safe word about halfway through.
Okay, so first things first: to any objective person, this is a terrible movie. If a soft porn version of The Bachelor had sex with a cheesy 90’s thriller (think The Hand That Rocks the Cradle or Deceived), the baby would be James Foley’s Fifty Shades Freed. It picks up right where Fifty Shades Darker left off: soft-voiced Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) and emotionally damaged/S&M enthusiaste Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) have decided to ignore the very obvious issues with the power dynamic in their relationship and make it official by tying the knot. At first everything seems rather blissful, as they travel like legitimate one-percenters on a lavish European honeymoon that rivals some of the awesome dates I’ve seen on The Bachelor. But then, things turn serious when Anastasia’s pervy ex-boss, Jack Hyde (Eric Johnson), begins to stalk her, assault her, and destroy Christian’s company servers. But this suspense pales in comparison to when Anastasia has the nerve to go out for drinks with a girlfriend instead of following Christian’s orders to go straight home. DRAMA!
Things also take a turn when Anastasia decides to ask Christian if he ever wants children. It should be noted that they are already married by the time she asks him this. It’s this kind of boneheaded crap that makes Anastasia Steele a tough girl to root for, but whatever. He seems rather cool to the idea, which is probably the reaction I’ve related to most from Christian Grey throughout all three films. This turns out to be a rather significant conversation because Anastasia discovers that she’s….. Wait for it……pregnant! Obviously Christian thinks they’ll never have sex again, which is understandable. And if this film took place in a universe resembling most people’s reality, he’d be right (from what I’ve heard, at least).Obviously, throughout the film, they’re having very kinky Dominant/Submissive sex, with Christian ordering Anastasia around, her calling him ‘sir’, and him using an impressive assortment of restraints and sex toys while sultry pop music plays in the background. So you can understand why a crying baby would take the fun out of using spreader bars, whips, and handcuffs.
Long story short, the film hits the most rote of clichéd thriller crescendos that involves Hyde kidnapping Christian’s sister and demanding that Anastasia get him $5million to get the sister back. Oh, and she can’t tell Christian. By the way, keeping stuff from Christian is a recurring theme.
I’m not even going to stoop to telling my very intelligent audience how this ends, but watch any of the 90’s thrillers I’ve already mentioned, look at the ending, then make an educated guess on what happens.
I mean, the whole thing is fucking ridiculous.
The main problem with the film is that its two main characters aren’t even close to being even somewhat interesting, which I suppose makes them perfect for each other. It’s not Johnson or Dornan’s fault, though. These characters just don’t have anything intriguing about them; even Christian’s troubled past isn’t even that engaging. And Anastasia has moments of defiance which show some promise of giving us something to care about, but then she regresses to following Christian’s caveman orders so much that it’s hard to tell just how independent a woman she really is. And Christian is so serious, temperamental, and commanding that it’s hard to be on his side, too. But I stand by my opinion that Johnson and Dornan are not to blame here. I think that they are decent actors with terrible characters to play. But hey, they knew exactly what they were getting themselves into, so that’s on them. Just like the contestants on The Bachelor.
I would be remiss if I didn’t at least give Johnson and Dornan credit for appearing to be way more comfortable with their chemistry in this film. They have gone from being wooden, to more plastic. Very bendy, pliable plastic. And I actually mean that as a compliment, because they actually seemed like a believable couple in this film, and it took until now for me to even remotely buy their relationship, so I’ll give them credit where credit’s due.
Having said all of that… this movie is kind of amazing. It seems to be fully owning the fact that they’re filming the most ludicrous of plots, and embracing it with gusto. And it’s that type of approach that makes this film one of the most enjoyable trainwrecks to watch. There are several moments where I, and the other 11 people in the audience, laughed out loud. Because they’re in on the joke, and I have to believe that the filmmakers are, too. And when you (the audience) and the filmmakers align on something that’s God-awful and decide to just have fun with it anyways, then that’s a successful movie. It’s a roundabout way to get to success, but it’s still success, in my opinion.
Anyways, if you decide to go see this movie, I highly suggest you go with some friends, don’t take a thing you see seriously, feel free to laugh at the absurdity of it all, and you might just have a good time.
Just like you would if you were watching The Bachelor.
