Totally Unreliable and Slightly Profane 75th Golden Globes Predictions

Let’s face it, part of the reason we tune in to The Golden Globes is that we love watching drunk nominees unexpectedly race back from the bathroom to wade through maze-like table arrangements to stumble to the mic and give loosely slurred, yet charming speech. And unlike the Oscars, where many Awards Season pundits have gotten predictions down to a science (myself included, if I do say so), the Golden Globes are voted on by the Hollywood Foreign Press, who is so whackadoo they categorized Get Out as a Comedy or Musical and cobble all of the TV Supporting Acting nominees from Series, Limited Series, and Motion Picture for TV into a weird, Frankenstein’d category. They also like to spread the wealth a bit, and they routinely award new, young, hot actors and actresses when they get the opportunity (see: Aaron Taylor-Johnson winning Best Supporting Actor for Nocturnal Animals last year, however that happened). In short, everything is totally bonkers and up-in-the-air on Golden Globes night, but I’ll be damned if it doesn’t keep me from making predictions, put forth to you with only a the smallest amount of totally wavering confidence. With that, let’s have some fun, shall we?

FILM

BEST PICTURE – DRAMA

Call Me by Your Name

Dunkirk

The Post

The Shape of Water

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri

The Winner: Okay, let’s see. I think we can count Dunkirk and The Post out because, they don’t seem to be attracting the same buzz as the other three films.  I would think that Call Me By Your Name would be at the top of the list because it’s like sooooo European and delicate like a buttery croissant, but it doesn’t have a Director or Screenplay nom, which doesn’t bode well. That leaves Three Billboards, which scored in Director, Screenplay, and two Acting categories, and has a ton of buzz coming into the show for some reason, and The Shape of Water, which is Guillermo del Toro’s R-rated Disney-esque amphibian love story that’s been spiked with magic mushrooms and social relevance. It’s a tough one, but given that I can’t vote for the real Best Picture of the Year (Blade Runner 2049), I’m giving it to The Shape of Water. I’m probably wrong.